Happy Holidays, No More, PUHLEEEEZE!

We reprint this article at this time every year, as a public service.

As Christmas approaches it is imperative that we go over the proper way to address each other in the spirit of the season.  As always, we strive to never offend anyone and God forbid we don’t want you, our readers, to do that either.  Yes it is Christmas that’s what all the gifts, the trees and the lights are all about.  But you can’t say that.  You have to pretend that it’s something else altogether because you don’t want to act like other religions are not as important, as the ones that celebrate Christmas.  We won’t mention the name of those religions, as we don’t want to offend anyone and we don’t want to mention the religions that celebrate Christmas, as we don’t want to offend anyone and most of all we don’t want to you God forbid, to say Merry Christmas to an atheist.

If you are wondering what would happen if someone did say Merry Christmas to an atheist or a member of one of those other religions that we won’t mention as we don’t want to offend anyone, we’re pretty sure it must be Armageddon.  Otherwise why would everyone go to such great lengths to avoid saying Merry Christmas?   And Armageddon is Continents toppling, Tidal waves, the end of days, all much worse than even Global, Warming or at least as bad.  And, since these are the people who don’t celebrate Christmas to begin with well…  This isn’t going to be a happy ending for them.

However Happy Holidays is out.  Because one of our researchers uncovered an inconvenient truth.  The word Holiday comes from the Old English word haligdaeg which means Holy day or the Lord’s Day.  And, yes we are sorry to say, those Old English guys belonged to one of those religions that celebrated Christmas.  So you see people who think they are wishing other people some nonreligious, all inclusive way to celebrate the spirit of the season, are really saying happy God’s day.  And yes that’s the God who started the whole Christmas thingy.  Which if people continue to do to atheists, well now you know what will happen and it will be their fault.  And, yours too, now that you know.

So while we here have uncovered a flaw in the nation’s current mode of salutation for the season, we are not ones to simply curse the darkness.  We light candles here.  So we’ve come up with the proper nonreligious, completely inoffensive term to wish each other in the spirit of the season and it’s…

Good Luck.

Why Good Luck?  Because no religion worships Luck but at the same time everyone devoutly wishes for it.  And, who would say no to Good Luck?  Most importantly who would be offended by Good Luck?  And then there are those things associated with Good Luck, like winning, or finding a hundred dollar bill in the street or falling in love with someone you have no business even saying hello to.  Also there are the great quotes associated with Good Luck;

“I’d rather be lucky than good.”  Lefty Gomez

“Luck is the residue of design.”  Branch Ricky

And, there is that great song.  ‘Luck be a Lady’ by Frank Loesser

So now that you all know, no more Happy Holidays, puhleeeeeze!

Because if people keep saying Happy Holidays to atheists, we’ll all be bleep out of Luck.

Dicens simile factum est

Pro Bono Publico

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Don Frankel

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