From deep, deep within the confines of the White House we got another tape.
President the Donald Himself “Baron, it’s your friend again and I’m on the other phone listening so don’t worry. He sounds a little worried today.”
Baron “Man this is so cool.” Then Baron can be heard picking up the phone and saying. “Hey Kim Jung what’s up?”
Kim Jung-un “Not much Trump. Just thought I’d call, as I need some rice.”
Baron “You mean like fried rice? You know what’s cool, Vietnamese fried rice. I just had some yesterday.”
Kim Jung-un “No Trump. I mean lots of rice, like metric tons of it.”
President the Donald Himself whispering. “Tell him we can do that.”
Baron “Kim Jung, we can do that. Hell we’re buddies right? What’s a little rice among friends?”
Kim Jung-un “Of course Trump, of course. That’s why I’m calling you. I could call Xi, but he’s busy lately making himself President for Life. I was the one who told him, it was the way to go. It was my idea but now he’s not taking my calls. He’s too good for me all of a sudden.”
There is some whispering on the tape between President the Donald Himself and Baron. Then we could hear Baron’s voice again.
Baron “Kim Jung there is no trouble getting you the rice but you gotta cut out the nuclear missile stuff.”
Kim Jung-un “Oh Trump you old bastard. Oh you’re making me laugh. I always like talking to you. I would never put a nuclear warhead even if I had one, on one of those crappy missiles. Half the time they blow up on the tarmac. Then what? Oh Trump you’re funny. No, what happens from time to time is we run short on food. You can check with Obama, W, his Dad and that old horny toad. What my Dad would do and now what I do when we run out of rice, is make some noise about nuclear bombs. Then I shoot off a dozen missiles and when one or two actually make it out into the Sea of Japan, I make this call and get some rice.”
Kim Jung-un “But I was explaining this rice thing to my wife… Or was it one of my concubines? I forget, as they all look alike.”
Baron “Uh Kim Jung isn’t that like a racist thing to say about Korean woman?”
Kim Jung-un laughing into the phone. “You’re funny Trump, very funny. I go for the same kind of woman. That’s why they all look alike. Almost like sisters. I think a few of them are sisters. But I was explaining it to my… yes it was my wife. I remember it now, as I told her the people have no rice and she said. Let them eat noodles.”
Kim Jung-un “But that is the way we work this thing with the rice.”
There is some whispering on the tape between Baron and President the Donald Himself and then Baron can be heard on the tape again.
Baron “Hey Kim Jung, why don’t we fix it so you can get rice on a regular basis?”
Kim Jung-un “Oh Trump that would be brilliant. I wouldn’t have to fire off a dozen missiles and scream about making a nuclear bomb, which is not that easy. Trust me on this, as I’ve lost about 500 scientists trying. Seems when things go wrong everything melts, including the scientists. Not to mention the ones I lose when one of those missiles blows up on the tarmac. And just between you and me, we don’t have that many scientists around here to begin with.”
Baron “Hey Kim Jung let’s have lunch.”
Kim Jung-un “Lunch, that would be great Trump! I’ll have my people, call your people.
Baron. “Cool man, really cool.”
Baron hangs up and we can hear people in the room laughing and congratulating each other. Then somebody we’re not sure who but it could have been Jared, said. “This President thing isn’t so hard. Trying to get the City of New York to let you build over fifty stories, that’s hard.”
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