All The News That’s Fit…

The headlines all across the TV News, the Internet and the Newspapers have screamed.

‘Woman Scales the Statue of Liberty!’

It sounds fantastic, sensational but well and we’re sorry to have to tell you this, she didn’t’ quite make it.

In fact, the woman, Therese Okoumou, didn’t even get to Lady Liberty’s big toe.  She got caught beneath the arch of Lady Liberty’s right foot.  But she did manage to climb the Pedestal which isn’t easy, so give her some credit.  But her venture up the Statue of Liberty is more akin to getting to the base camp of Mount Everest where you hire the Sherpas.  And then the Sherpas take one look at you and say, “Fuggggettabout it” and you go home.  We’re not ready to call this Fake News as Ms. Okoumou did manage to climb to the bottom folds of Lady Liberty’s robe, so instead we’ll just file it under.  “It ain’t necessarily so.”*

And, two men Winston Blackmore and James Oler were sentenced to six months house arrest.  What was their crime?  Polygamy.  It seems the two men have 29 wives and 160 kids between them.  Now we can understand why the Judge didn’t sentence them to jail.  They didn’t shoot, stab or rob anyone so they’re not going to hurt anybody.  But we’re thinking that keeping these guys in the house isn’t such a hot idea either.  These guys need to be out of the house.  More specifically, they need to be out of the bedroom.  Locked up in the house, for these two guys will produce not remorse, on their part but more kids.  Not that there is anything wrong with making babies.  If we all didn’t do that, where would the human race be?  It’s just we think these guys and their wives have done their bit.

And, since this all took place up in Vancouver maybe these guys should have been sentenced to six months in the woods.

Last year the Yankees called up Kyle Higashioka a back-up catcher.  He got into 9 games, walked up to home plate 20 times and he never got a hit.  We felt bad because Kyle Higashioka had spent 10 years in the minor leagues and when he finally got to the big leagues, he couldn’t buy a hit.  Then he got sent back down to the minor leagues.  This season he was once again languishing in the minor leagues.  But when an injury sidelined Gary Sanchez, the Yankees once again called up Kyle Higashioka.  And, this time he got his first major league hit, a long fly ball to deep left field in Yankee Stadium, his first hit and his first home run.  His next hit was another home run and his third hit was… you guessed it fans, a home run.  So Kyle had three hits, three home runs and no singles.  We had to go back to Roger Maris in 1961 to find a Yankee who had such a ratio of home runs to singles.  And so while we call Aaron Judge, The Judge, Giancarlo Stanton, The Jury and Gary Sanchez, The Executioner, we have decided that Kyle Higashioka will be known as, Home Run Higashioka.

*George and Ira Gershwin

Dicens simile factum est

Pro Bono Publico

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Don Frankel

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