Rumors swirl around the Swamp also known as Washington D.C., that Deputy Attorney General of the United States Rod Jay Rosenstein will resign. Some reports indicate that he’s already resigned verbally and it’s just a matter of when he hands in his actual resignation letter. This is all happening because in the past few months reports of questionable FISA warrants with Deputy Attorney General Rod Jay Rosenstein’s name on them have surfaced. And, recently the New York Times reported that Deputy Attorney General Rod Jay Rosenstein wanted to wear a wire so he could secretly record President the Donald Himself. With secret recordings in hand the Deputy Director Rod Jay Rosenstein planned to get members of the President’s Cabinet to invoke the 25th Amendment and remove President the Donald Himself from the Presidency. When asked about his 25th Amendment proposal, Deputy Attorney General Rod Jay Rosenstein said, he was just kidding.
Since we go everywhere like into people’s garbage dumpsters, we got a hold of the first draft of Deputy Attorney General Rod Jay Rosenstein’s resignation letter and here it is.
Dear Mr. President,
I hereby resign my position as Deputy Attorney General of the United States. While I have enjoyed working for the Department of Justice for the last twenty eight years, lately it seems that no one at the DOJ or the White House has a sense of humor anymore.
Also, I can’t get FISA warrants like I used to. Then people are leaking nasty things about me when it’s my job to leak nasty things about them. Where is the sense of propriety? Where’s the respect? And, people at the New York Times are writing bad things about me and I thought they were my friends. And, that really hurt. Speak of “the unkindest cut”*.
It just seems like all the fun is gone. I can’t wait to go on all the nighttime talk shows where guys like Fallon and Colbert will yuck it up with me. Then everyone will see that I’m a fun guy. Then of course I’ll write my book. The Publisher wants to call it ‘I Was Deep State’. But that was really James Comey. I want to call it ‘From Russia with Love’.
Rod Jay Rosenstein
Then we got a hold of this one.
To Whom It May Concern,
I hereby resign my title of Comedian. From where I sit now, life just, isn’t funny anymore.
William Henry Cosby aka Bill Cosby and I also used to be known as America’s favorite Dad.
And last but certainly not least.
Dear Professional Golfers Association,
With my victory at the Fedex Tour Championship, I hereby resign my position as an often injured, has been, washed up, ex-champion. And tell everyone on the PGA Tour in 2019, to just get the hell out of my way. Because baby, I’m back.
Dicens simile factum est
Pro Bono Publico